• Return Hitler's Mein Kampf to the library. "What a wimp."
  
• Paint apartment in town. Remember to take down and save Charlie Manson's poster. "Helter Skelter.... OK, there are a few good Americans."
  
• Cancel subscription to Terrorist Monthly, Islamic edition. "That Soldier of Fortune rag is for wussies."
  
• Command my operatives (in secure channels) to give up that 'purple dinosaur' thing in America, it isn't subverting the country as I had planned.
  
• Verify $11 million in life insurance policies, with American Casualties, on 2 of my wives. Tell them I'm going camping.
  
• Remember to give family my new P. O. box. (to forward my allowance) Being an unemployed playboy terrorist can be a tough life.
  
• Trade in my magic carpet for a Honda Accord. Those Japanese DO make a good set o' wheels!
  
• Hold yard sale. Available: 4 AK-47 assault rifles in good condition. 400 lbs of Ammonium nitrate fertilizer. (It was for the lawn) Blueprints for Bangor Submarine base.
  
• Burn that 'bachelor party' video featuring Saddam's ugly half-sister.
  
• Buy a Castro Halloween mask early, so I can sneak across the border. Nobody will be looking for HIM here. As a backup, I could use a Jesse Jackson costume and pretend I was 'negotiating' with the Taliban!
  
• Look up and save Johnnie Cochran's phone number just in case I DO get caught.......
  
• And pray to Allah that I don't get Yugoslav Ex-President Slobodan Milosevic as a cell-mate. I'm told he doesn't like Muslims!

� J. Patterson, used with permission