Rise of the Cave-Dweller
May 8, 2005

I would like to believe myself to be relatively culturally aware person, but the mind of the Taliban is a bit beyond my comprehension. We are in themidst of the spring offensive here in Afghanistan. This means that it haswarmed up enough for the cave-dwellers to crawl back out of their holes,knock the mud off their rusty AKs and continue the Jihad against theinfidels who persist in committing great crimes against Islam like providingmedical treatment, distributing medical supplies, building schools,evacuating flooded villages and distributing humanitarian aid.

Apparently the way this works is the senior cave-dweller (determined to besenior by the Darwin School of Management) rounds up anyone he can findwhose Jihad spirit hasn't been completely suffocated by USAID food andmedical supplies, or anyone he can intimidate at the point of his rusty AK.He then waits for a good moonlit night and takes his reluctant holy warriorsup some goat-trail in the mountains along the Pakistan border, and digs someancient Soviet era rockets out of the hole they've been rusting away insince the last time he was chased out of the mountains. These rockets arethen skulked into some location where the general concensus is that theyhave a pretty decent chance of hitting something important or at leastnoticeable. Then leading from the rear with a cheap radio, the seniorcave-dweller has the recruits fire the rockets off some high tech launchsystem like a pile of rocks or a jerry rigged mass of angle iron.

This is where the wheels fall of the Cave-dwellers plan. Since they'veshlepped 5 or 6 of these 200 pound rockets all up and down the Hindu-kush,the senior cave dweller wants to make sure they fire them all. It takes agood 2 minutes to set up each rocket and they can only fire one at a time.It only takes 20 seconds for a US ballistic radar to pick-up the incominground, determine its point of origin, and feed this data to the artillerybattery and attack aviation.

About the time the Taliban Youth are trying to light the fuse on their 2ndor 3rd rocket which typically has the accuracy of a water pistol in a windstorm, a crew of 13 Bravos are ramming 155mm rounds into their howitzers,and APUs are being fired on Apaches and Blackhawks.

Since this has already been on Fox news, I guess I can write about how thisworked out for them the other night.

About 1:30 P.M. Dublin Pub time (6:00 P.M. local time) we were going aboutour daily business when we heard the tell-tale "Pop" and "Whoosh" of anincoming rocket's booster engine kicking in followed by an explosion in thedistance. There is a scramble as everyone reaches for their IBA and helmetsthen heads for the nearest bunker. Within seconds, everyone was is in theheavy concrete structures adjusting their helmets, testing communications,getting as comfortable as possible, and listening for more "Pops". Irecorded the initial rocket at 13:34.  Craig pulled the crossword puzzle hehad saved from a Stars and Stripes out of his notebook and we got to workwaiting.

At 13:39, we heard another "Pop" and "Whoosh" followed by an explosion even further distant.  Right on schedule, my radio came to life with "Net Call,Net Call. The next rounds you hear will be outgoing."

It was into dusk now and even though we're a few hundred yards away from the artillery battery, out the doorway of the bunker I could see the trees ofthe olive grove illuminate with a flash and a few seconds later the groundshook from the report of the massive Fox Battery howitzer firing anadjusting round in the general direction of Pakistan (of course when you'rein Salerno, 270 degrees of the compass point to Pakistan). Somewhere in themidst of this, we had heard Sabre's Apaches roar over the FOB in the samedirection and it occurred to me that I had seen and heard A-10's overheadnot 1/2 hour before as well. It was shaping up to be a bad night for theCave-dwellers.

At 13:43, we heard another "Pop" and as we strained to hear the whoosh, Isaw the olive grove light up in a succession of flashes and the ground shookas Fox Battery fired for effect. 24 rounds arced towards the rocket launchpoint, each capable of wreaking devastation on everything withing a 75 meterradius of where it lands. Craig and I paused our quest to find an 8 letterword for "Formal Meeting" long enough to smile and nod our heads at eachother. Having both come up in the artillery, we have exciting memories fromthe gun line.

A few minutes later, the ground shook again as 24 more rounds were fired. Asthe TF Sabre pilots tell it, they were on station  at the rocket launchpoint and pulled back as the artillery rained down on the position. TheA-10s which had been loitering around looking for a fight took their turn,then the Apaches moved back in to clean up with their 30MM and rockets. Evenwith their exceptionally flat learning curve, the rocket boys realized theyhad showed up at a gunfight with a pea-shooter and tried to break contact.Unfortunately for them though, the Apaches gave way to the AC-130 Spectrethat had lumbered into this Afghan Little Big Horn. These monsters pack (2)20mm Vulcan cannons, each capable of spewing 100 rounds per second on atarget, a 40mm Bofors cannon that will put out another 100 rounds a minute,and a 105mm howitzer that will ruin even the most stalwart cave-dweller'sday.

When the smoke cleared, there were 12 less cave-dwellers to shlep rockets upgoat trails. Even though the rockets achieved nothing more than a smokinghole in a field 200 meters from nothing, and starting a brush fire somewhereout in the Afghan countryside, I suppose the Senior Cave-dweller who ledfrom the rear with a radio will probably tout this to anyone who will hearhim as the greatest military success since Hannibal crossed the Alps inorder to bolster his severely flagging recruiting campaign. Craig and Islept fine though because we figured out that the 8 letter word for "FormalMeeting" is Symposia.

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