Like my Grandpa always said, there were no naked human pyramids in Starcraft.

There were no whiny anti-war Hollywood types or questionable war motives or granola-munching protesters. I'm starting to think that even World in Conflict, a real time strategy game so "realistic" it takes a NASA-built Quantum supercomputer to run it, has left me woefully unprepared to fight an actual war.

Well, below is my open letter to the real time strategy gaming cartel. I want a war simulation. A real one. I don't want little cartoon tanks jostling around in a video sandbox chewing down each other's health meters, while a preteen opponent insults my sexuality using every key on his keyboard except the ones with letters. I want an RTS game that will give me a stress headache after an hour and an ulcer after a week. I want to identify experienced players on the street by their 1,000-yard stares.

I want a war sim ... Read the rest and be prepared to be rotfl!