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Subject:
Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar
8/22/2007 10:06:45 PM
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Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye
sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's
the
meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading
aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of
race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' -
What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.
We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job
getting '
England ' past the censors, lest it be considered
racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and
tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been
designated
smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case,
break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men
before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its
part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good
heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed
ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit
in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve
of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch.
Report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be
possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have
closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders
don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper
scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter
without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair
access to the foredeck
Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've
never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir.
We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently
abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral
by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you
did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment
and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The
salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.
Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And
they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the
adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon
and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men
are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What?
This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're
afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a
couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like
hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the
Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're
not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European
partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim
for
compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you
hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity
co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary
report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill
of your
King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in
this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It
could save your
life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety.
Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I
explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal
punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe
that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that
case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
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