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Subject:
What Really Happened to the Submarine Kursk
6/2/2005 12:10:17 AM
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New information has come to
light about the Kursk disaster. For those
with short attention spans, the
Kursk was the Russian submarine that
blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean
killing all 118 on board. The
Russians tried to blame the incident on a
collision with an unidentified
object. However, sonar tapes which recorded
the blasts (a small one at
first, then a much larger one two minutes later)
cast doubt on these
claims.
A whistle blower within the Russian
military has leaked that the Kursk
was testing a new type of torpedo when the
accident occurred. It
seems very likely that the test didn't go quite as
planned. While
rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed,
salvage crews
were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which
contained
detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. A
copy of
those tapes has recently come into the hands of NATO
intelligence
officers, one of whom leaked it to the press..
It turns
out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft
Windows XP on their
fire control computer. Their intent was to replace
the aging CP/M operating
system with the flashier Windows OS.
Apparently, the Russians didn't know
about the legendary stability
problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes
make this painfully
obvious:
Transcript of Portions of the Kursk
Log
Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the
registration
card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click
our
enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background]
Seaman:
Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to
run Windows for
the first time'. [long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot
again. That makes the 27th
time.
Captain: Hmmm. This is not
encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new
hardware . . .
. A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.
Captain:
Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking,
no?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am
starting not to like this
Windows. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir!
It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and
is looking for the
device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long
pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are
we going to reboot today? This is taking
forever. Our hull is going to rust
out before this works. [another
long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and
this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device
drivers? No registration cards? No user
profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I
think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire
control icon and
let us see how this works.
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.
[another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a
dancing paper clip on
it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain:
Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Let us see;
Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a
Virus, Fire a Torpedo . . . .
Captain: We will spam a friend later. L et us fire a torpedo.
Seaman:
Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the
torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in
tube number 1!
Intercom: This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded
Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain:
Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Damn! It says the
torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. W e will get some ink when we
return to base.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain:
Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo, Sir.
[another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: I am trying Sir.
Nothing is happening. Wait a minute . . . .
[Loud explosion in the
background]
Intercom: [Screaming]
Captain: What the fuck was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! It says, "Outlook
Express
Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
down. Click
'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should
I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not
responding, Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye aye,
Sir. . . . Sir! We are in luck! The task manager is
still operating. I am
instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook
Fire Control. [another
long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says "Outlook Fire Control not
responding."
Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to "End Task".
Seaman:
Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy $@#%! Not the
blue screen of death
[Loud explosion heard]
The tape ends at this
point. During the week long rescue effort,
divers reported hearing tapping
in Morse Code coming from survivors
inside the damaged sub. The rescuers
couldn't understand why a group of
men would spend the last of their strength
tapping out "Windows Sucks!"
in Morse. The tapes of the last moments of the
Kursk may offer some
insight into this.
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